What Is My Attachment Style and Why Does It Matter?
What You'll Learn in This Article:
What the four main attachment styles are and how to recognize yours
Why your attachment style develops and where it comes from
How each style shows up in relationships, parenting, and everyday life
Why attachment patterns can be changed with the right support
What therapy looks like for people working through attachment wounds
Think about someone you love. A partner, a close friend, a family member. Now think about what happens inside you when things feel uncertain between you. Do you pull closer? Pull away? Worry constantly that they are going to leave? Feel uncomfortable when they need too much from you?
The way you answer that question says a lot about your attachment style. And your attachment style says a lot about almost every close relationship in your life.
The good news is that understanding it is the first step to changing the parts of it that are getting in your way.
What Are Attachment Styles and Where Do They Come From?
Attachment theory was first developed by British psychiatrist John Bowlby, who studied how early relationships between children and caregivers shape the way people connect throughout life. The core idea is simple: the way the adults around us responded to our needs when we were young teaches us what to expect from close relationships in general.
If your caregivers were consistently warm, responsive, and available, you likely learned that relationships are safe and that people can be trusted. If they were inconsistent, distant, critical, or frightening, you likely developed ways of coping with that uncertainty, and those coping patterns tend to follow you into adulthood.
Attachment styles are not a life sentence. They are patterns that formed for a reason. And patterns can shift.
What Does a Secure Attachment Style Look Like?
A securely attached person might say something like: it is easy for me to become emotionally close to others. I am comfortable depending on them and having them depend on me. I do not worry much about being alone or about someone getting too close.
Secure attachment tends to develop when caregivers were reliably responsive and emotionally available. People with secure attachment generally find it easier to trust, communicate their needs, handle conflict without falling apart, and recover after a disagreement.
This does not mean they never struggle in relationships. It means they have a stable enough foundation that difficulties do not feel catastrophic. And importantly, secure attachment can be developed in adulthood even if it was not present in childhood, often through consistent experiences in therapy or safe relationships.
What Does a Preoccupied Attachment Style Look Like?
Someone with a preoccupied attachment style might say: I want to be emotionally close with others, but I often find that others are reluctant to get as close as I would like. I worry that my partner does not really love me or will not want to stay with me. I want to get very close to people and this sometimes scares them away.
Preoccupied attachment often develops when a caregiver was inconsistent, sometimes warm and present, sometimes not, in a way that felt unpredictable. The child learns to stay hypervigilant and keep working hard for connection, because closeness was available sometimes but never guaranteed.
In adult relationships this can look like anxiety about the relationship, a constant need for reassurance, fear of abandonment, and difficulty calming down after conflict. It can also show up as putting a partner's needs before your own to keep them close.
If anxiety is a thread running through your relationships and your sense of self, our anxiety counselling page speaks to what that support looks like.
What Does a Dismissive Attachment Style Look Like?
A dismissively attached person might say: I am comfortable without close emotional relationships. It is very important to me to feel independent and self-sufficient, and I prefer not to depend on others. I feel nervous when someone gets too close and wants more intimacy than I feel comfortable with.
Dismissive attachment often develops when emotional needs were consistently minimized or dismissed in childhood. The child learns to stop expecting emotional closeness and instead becomes highly self-reliant. In adulthood this can look like a preference for keeping relationships at a comfortable distance, discomfort with vulnerability, and a tendency to minimize emotions in both yourself and others.
People with dismissive attachment are often high-functioning and capable. The cost tends to show up in intimacy. Partners may describe feeling shut out or like they can never quite reach you.
What Does a Fearful or Disorganized Attachment Style Look Like?
Someone with fearful or disorganized attachment might say: I am uncomfortable getting close to others. I want emotional closeness but I find it difficult to trust people or depend on them. I worry I will get hurt if I allow myself to become too close.
This attachment style often develops in the context of childhood abuse, neglect, or trauma, situations where the very person who was supposed to provide safety was also a source of fear. This creates a painful bind: you need connection to survive, but connection feels dangerous.
In adulthood this can look like a push-pull pattern in relationships, wanting closeness and then withdrawing when it gets too real. It can also show up as difficulty trusting people even when there is no clear reason not to, or a persistent sense that intimacy will lead to being hurt.
Fearful and disorganized attachment is closely linked to unresolved trauma. Approaches like EMDR can be particularly helpful here because they work at the level of the nervous system, not just the thinking mind. The American Psychological Association recognizes EMDR as an evidence-based treatment for trauma and its effects.
How Does Your Attachment Style Affect Your Parenting?
Your attachment style does not stay in your adult relationships. It follows you into parenting too.
A parent's attachment style shapes how they respond to their child's emotional needs, how comfortable they are with their child's distress, and how they handle the inevitable moments of disconnection and repair that happen in any relationship. Research consistently shows that a parent's attachment security is one of the strongest predictors of a child's own attachment development.
This is not meant to create pressure or guilt. It is meant to be useful. Understanding your attachment patterns is one of the most practical things you can do for your relationship with your child, because it helps you recognize when your own history is showing up in the room.
If you are navigating parenthood and noticing that some of this feels familiar, our pregnancy, prenatal and postpartum counselling page has more on the support available during that season.
Can Your Attachment Style Actually Change?
Yes. This is one of the most important things to know.
Attachment styles are not fixed. They formed in response to early experiences, and they can shift in response to new ones. Consistent, safe relationships, whether with a partner, a close friend, or a therapist, can gradually build what researchers call earned security.
Therapy is one of the most reliable ways to work through attachment patterns, because the therapeutic relationship itself becomes a place to practice something different. You can bring your anxiety, your avoidance, your fear of getting hurt, and work through it in a relationship that is steady and non-reactive.
The Canadian Mental Health Association recognizes that early relationship experiences shape mental health, and that targeted support can make a lasting difference.
If any of what you have read here feels like it is describing you, or someone you love, that is worth paying attention to. Reaching out for a consultation is a good first step, no crisis required.
Frequently Asked Questions
What are the four attachment styles? The four main attachment styles are secure, preoccupied, dismissive, and fearful or disorganized. Each attachment style reflects a pattern of relating to closeness, dependency, and emotional intimacy that typically develops in early childhood based on the consistency and responsiveness of caregiving.
Can attachment styles change in adulthood? Yes. Attachment styles can change in adulthood through consistent safe relationships and targeted therapy. While early experiences shape attachment patterns, they are not permanent. Many adults develop what is called earned security through new relational experiences, including the therapeutic relationship itself.
How do I know which attachment style I have? You can get a sense of your attachment style by paying attention to how you respond in close relationships. Do you feel comfortable with closeness and dependency? Do you worry constantly about being abandoned? Do you pull away when someone gets too close? Do you want intimacy but find it hard to trust? Each of these patterns points toward a different attachment style, and a therapist can help you explore yours in more depth.
How does fearful or disorganized attachment develop? Fearful or disorganized attachment typically develops when a child experiences abuse, neglect, or trauma at the hands of a caregiver. When the person who is supposed to provide safety is also a source of fear, the child cannot develop a consistent strategy for managing closeness. This unresolved bind often carries into adulthood as a push-pull pattern in relationships.
How does attachment style affect parenting? Attachment style affects parenting because the patterns we developed in our own childhood show up in how we respond to our children's emotional needs. A parent's attachment security is one of the strongest predictors of their child's attachment development. Understanding your attachment style is not about blame. It is about having more awareness of what you are bringing into the relationship with your child.
About the Specialist
Carrie Battiste, RSW, MSW is a Registered Social Worker at Serenity Counselling who supports parents and families through pregnancy, postpartum, and the emotional changes that come with becoming a parent. She helps people who are feeling anxious, overwhelmed, burnt out, or struggling with parenting stress, identity changes, grief, or big life transitions. Carrie offers a calm, supportive space where clients can talk openly about their experiences, understand how their emotions and stress affect their body, and learn practical ways to cope. She works with parents of all backgrounds and identities and focuses on helping people feel more confident, connected, and supported as they care for themselves and their families.
Learn more about Carrie on her therapist profile page.
Serenity Counselling offers virtual therapy across British Columbia and in-person therapy in Port Coquitlam, serving Coquitlam, Port Moody, Pitt Meadows, Maple Ridge, Surrey, Mission, and the Lower Mainland.
