What Is the Difference Between Guilt and Shame?
Understanding guilt vs shame can help you break free from anxiety, people-pleasing, and perfectionism to show up authentically as yourself. A Guide for High-Achieving BIPOC Women.
By: Suki O Huallachain, MA, CCC
Key Takeaways (Quick Read)
The Main Difference:
Guilt = "I did something bad" (about your actions)
Shame = "I am bad" (about who you are as a person)
Why This Matters for You: Shame keeps you stuck in people-pleasing and perfectionism Guilt can actually help you grow and make positive changes. Understanding the difference helps you challenge negative thoughts Both feelings hit differently when you're navigating workplace cultures and family expectations
Your Path Forward: Notice which feeling you're experiencing
Challenge shame based thoughts with facts & somatic rewiring
Use guilt as motivation for positive change
Remember: You deserve to take up space and be yourself
What is the main difference between guilt and shame?
Guilt is feeling bad about something you did - it focuses on your actions or behavior.
Shame is feeling bad about who you are - it attacks your identity and self-worth as a person.
Example:
Guilt: "I made a mistake in that presentation" (about what you did)
Shame: "I'm stupid and don't belong in this job" (about who you are)
Why do guilt and shame feel so heavy for BIPOC women?
As a successful BIPOC woman, you've probably felt that familiar knot in your stomach when you:
Say no to extra work projects
Set boundaries with family
Take time for yourself instead of helping others
Show up differently than what others expect
But here's what most people don't tell you: that heavy feeling isn't always the same thing. Sometimes it's guilt, sometimes it's shame, and knowing the difference can completely change how you handle it.
Read more on guilt on Psychology Today
What does guilt feel like and sound like?
Think of guilt like a smoke alarm. It's annoying, but it's trying to help you. Guilt shows up when your actions don't match your values.
Guilt sounds like:
"I shouldn't have snapped at my coworker"
"I feel bad that I missed my friend's birthday"
"I wish I had spoken up in that meeting"
How guilt feels in your body:
Tension in your chest
A pit in your stomach
Restless energy that makes you want to fix things
The good news about guilt: It focuses on what you did, not who you are. This means you can actually do something about it. You can apologize, make changes, or learn for next time.
What does shame feel like and sound like?
Shame is different. It's like guilt's mean cousin who moves in and never leaves. Shame attacks who you are as a person, not just what you did.
Shame sounds like:
"I'm too sensitive"
"I'm not smart enough to be here"
"I'm selfish for wanting things for myself"
"I'm too much" or "I'm not enough"
How shame feels in your body:
Heavy weight on your shoulders
Wanting to hide or disappear
Feeling small or collapsed inward
Exhaustion that goes deeper than being tired
Why shame is so dangerous: It makes you believe something is fundamentally wrong with you. This keeps you stuck trying to be perfect and please everyone to prove you're worthy of love and respect.
Why shame gets stuck in your body and how to heal it
Here's something important: shame doesn't just live in your thoughts. It gets stored in your body, which is why you can feel physically heavy, small, or frozen when shame hits.
How shame gets trapped: When you experience shame repeatedly (especially from childhood or ongoing issues), your nervous system learns to protect you by shutting down or going into fight-or-flight mode. Over time, these responses get stuck in your body, even when the original situation is over.
Why traditional talk therapy isn't always enough: You might notice that even when you logically know shame-based thoughts aren't true, you still feel them in your body. That's because trauma and shame create physical imprints that need body-based healing approaches.
Body-based therapies that can help: EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing): Uses eye movements to help your brain process and release traumatic memories and shame that's stuck in your nervous system.
Brainspotting: Identifies specific eye positions that connect to where shame is stored in your brain, allowing your body to naturally release these stuck feelings.
These therapies work because they connect directly with how your nervous system stores shame, helping your body release what your mind already knows isn't true.
How exactly does shame affect the body?
How do guilt and shame show up in daily life?
At Work:
Guilt: "I should have prepared more for that presentation" (fixable)
Shame: "I'm not cut out for leadership" (attacks your identity)
In Relationships:
Guilt: "I hurt my partner's feelings when I cancelled our date" (you can apologize and reschedule)
Shame: "I'm a terrible girlfriend who doesn't deserve love" (attacks your worth as a person)
With Family:
Guilt: "I should call my mom more often" (you can make more effort)
Shame: "I'm a bad daughter who doesn't care about family" (questions your character)
Why do BIPOC women experience guilt and shame differently?
Let's be real, guilt and shame can feel extra heavy when you're navigating multiple worlds. You might feel pressure to:
Represent your entire race or culture perfectly
Be perfect role models for younger family members
Be twice as good to get half the recognition
Never show weakness or vulnerability
Take care of everyone else before yourself
These pressures can turn normal guilt into toxic shame, making you question not just your actions, but your right to exist as you are.
Is guilt always bad?
No. Healthy guilt can actually help you:
Recognize when your actions don't match your values
Motivate you to make positive changes
Repair relationships through apologies
Learn and grow from mistakes
Unhealthy guilt becomes problematic when:
It's constant and never satisfied
You feel guilty for basic needs like rest or boundaries
It keeps you people-pleasing to avoid any discomfort
Is shame ever helpful?
No. Shame is never helpful. Unlike guilt, shame:
Attacks your core identity and worth
Keeps you stuck in cycles of perfectionism
Prevents authentic self-expression
Fuels anxiety and people-pleasing behaviours
How can you tell if you're experiencing guilt or shame?
When you feel that familiar heaviness, pause and ask yourself:
Am I feeling bad about something I did (guilt) or who I am (shame)?
Does this feeling motivate me to take action (guilt) or make me want to hide (shame)?
Am I thinking about changing my behaviour (guilt) or changing myself (shame)?
Does this feel fixable (guilt) or hopeless (shame)?
What should you do when you feel guilt?
Healthy responses to guilt:
Acknowledge it: "I feel guilty about missing that deadline."
Evaluate it: "Does this align with my values? What can I learn?"
Take action: Apologize, make changes, or set better systems
Learn from it: Use the information to make different choices next time
Let it go: Once you've taken appropriate action, release the guilt
What should you do when you feel shame?
Healing responses to shame:
Name it: "This is shame talking, not truth"
Challenge it: Replace shame thoughts with factual, compassionate ones
Connect with your body: Use breathing or grounding techniques
Seek support: Talk to trusted friends, family, or a therapist
Practice self-compassion: Talk to yourself in a loving, kind manner
Your permission slip to be human
Here's what I hope you to remember: Feeling guilt sometimes is normal and human. It shows you care about doing right by others and living according to your values. But shame? Shame is insidious and it tells you there's something wrong with who you are.
You are not too much. You are not too little. You are exactly who you're meant to be, and the world needs your authentic voice, your unique perspective, and your unapologetic presence.
Frequently Asked Questions
What is the difference between guilt and shame? Guilt is feeling bad about something you did (your actions), while shame is feeling bad about who you are (your identity). Guilt can motivate positive change, but shame attacks your self-worth and keeps you stuck.
Can you feel guilt and shame at the same time? Absolutely. Many situations can trigger both feelings. The key is learning to separate them so you can address each one differently - use guilt for motivation while challenging and releasing shame.
Is it normal to feel both guilt and shame as a BIPOC woman? Yes, BIPOC women often face unique pressures that can intensify both feelings, including expectations to represent your community perfectly and navigate multiple cultural spaces. Understanding these pressures can help you respond more compassionately to yourself.
How do I know if my guilt is healthy or not? Healthy guilt motivates positive change and aligns with your values. Unhealthy guilt keeps you constantly sacrificing your needs, never feels satisfied no matter what you do, and makes you feel guilty for basic human needs like rest or boundaries.
What if people get upset when I stop people-pleasing? Some people might be uncomfortable with your changes, especially if they benefited from your people-pleasing. This doesn't mean you should go back to old patterns. Healthy relationships can adjust to healthy boundaries.
How long does it take to stop feeling shame so intensely? Everyone's journey is different. With practice and support, many people start noticing shifts in a few months. Be patient with yourself you're rewiring years of unhealthy patterns.
Can therapy really help with these feelings? Yes! Therapy that connects your mind and body can be especially helpful because it addresses both the thoughts and the physical sensations that come with guilt and shame. You don't have to figure this out alone. Reach out and see how Serentiy Counselling can help you today.
What if I realize I've been living my whole life based on shame? First, take a breath. Recognizing this is actually the first step toward freedom. Many successful women discover this, and it explains why success hasn't made them feel as fulfilled as they expected. You can learn new ways of thinking about yourself.
Is it selfish to focus on my own healing instead of helping everyone else? Taking care of your mental health isn't selfish; it's necessary. When you heal from shame and guilt, you show up more authentically in all your relationships. You can't pour from an empty cup.
How do guilt and shame show up differently in the workplace for BIPOC women? Workplace guilt might sound like "I should have prepared more," while workplace shame sounds like "I don't belong here." BIPOC women often face additional pressure to represent their community perfectly, which can transform normal workplace guilt into identity-attacking shame.
Ready to break free from the cycle of guilt and shame? You don't have to do this alone. Reach out to Serenity Counselling today to learn about therapy that honours both your mind and body, helping you show up unapologetically as yourself.
