Why Can’t I Rest? Common Signs of Burnout in High-Achieving Women
By: Suki O Huallachain, MA, CCC, Serenity Counselling | Port Coquitlam, BCKey Points
Feeling exhausted is often the result of survival mode, not laziness.
Survival mode can show up as overworking, people-pleasing, or never asking for help.
These patterns are often learned responses to past experiences, not fixed personality traits.
Living this way for too long leads to burnout, guilt around rest, and feeling disconnected from your body.
Therapies like EMDR and DBT can help release survival mode and create space for true rest.
What does exhaustion feel like in the body?
Exhaustion is not just being tired. Many women describe it as a heavy weight in their chest, a racing mind that never switches off, or a body that feels wired yet drained at the same time. You may wake up already tired or feel like no amount of rest fully recharges you.
This kind of exhaustion comes from living in survival mode, where your body is always braced for the next demand. Even when life looks calm, your nervous system is still working overtime. Shame and exhaustion often overlap. You can learn more in our post on how shame affects the body.
How does survival mode show up in daily life?
Survival mode can look different for everyone, but some common signs include:
Needing to stay busy to avoid slowing down
Saying yes to others even when you feel stretched thin
Struggling to ask for or accept support
Feeling restless or guilty when you try to rest
From the outside, you may look capable and strong. Inside, you may feel drained, disconnected, or like you are moving through life on autopilot. You can learn more in our post on the difference between guilt and shame.
Why do I need to people please?
It is natural to believe that being highly independent or always putting others first is part of your personality. In many cases though, these habits are learned responses from earlier experiences.
If you grew up in situations where you could only depend on yourself, independence may have been your way of staying safe. If you learned that approval protected you from criticism or rejection, people-pleasing may have been your survival skill. These patterns once helped you cope, but now they may be leaving you exhausted.
Why does rest feel so hard to allow?
Many women feel like rest has to be earned. You may think “I will rest once everything is done,” but the truth is there is always something else to do. This belief keeps your body in a constant cycle of pushing harder and never fully relaxing.
Over time, this cycle causes burnout, guilt, and a sense of being cut off from your own needs. Rest is not a luxury or a reward. Rest is a basic need your body and mind require in order to heal and function.
How can therapy help me with exhaustion?
Therapies such as EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) and DBT (Dialectical Behaviour Therapy) help address both the mind and body.
EMDR helps the brain reprocess old experiences that may be keeping you in survival mode. Instead of just managing the symptoms, EMDR allows your nervous system to release old patterns so you no longer feel stuck in them.
DBT provides tools for handling emotions, creating boundaries, and balancing self-care with caring for others.
Together, these approaches make rest feel safer, reduce guilt, and open space for a new way of living—one where you do not have to run on empty. For additional stress management strategies, the Canadian Mental Health Association offers helpful resources on stress and coping, and the Government of Canada provides comprehensive mental health and stress support.
Can therapy help with burnout?
Yes it can. Many women have been taught that strength means doing everything alone. But real strength also comes from reaching out and allowing yourself to receive support.
Therapy offers a safe place where you do not have to prove yourself or keep pretending you are fine. It is a space where you can lay down what you have been carrying and start healing at your own pace.
FAQ
Is being tired all the time always a sign of depression?
Being tired all the time isn't always a sign of depression. While constant tiredness can certainly be part of depression, it can also come from being stuck in survival mode. A therapist can help you explore what is underneath your exhaustion and determine the root cause.
What are the signs I am living in survival mode?
The signs that you're living in survival mode include never feeling comfortable slowing down, experiencing guilt around resting, feeling like you have to do everything yourself, and saying yes to requests even when you are already overwhelmed. These patterns keep your nervous system in a constant state of high alert.
Can EMDR and DBT really help with exhaustion?
Yes, both EMDR and DBT can really help with exhaustion, though they work in different ways. EMDR helps your brain let go of past experiences that keep you stuck in survival mode, while DBT teaches practical skills to handle stress and emotions in healthier ways that don't drain your energy.
Do I need to share every detail of my past to do EMDR?
No, you don't need to share every detail of your past to do EMDR effectively. EMDR does not require you to retell your whole story or recount traumatic events in detail. Instead, it works by helping your brain process how old experiences are stored in your body, so you can release them without having to relive every difficult memory.
How to stop living in survival mode and start thriving?
If you are tired of feeling like you have to hold everything together while running on empty, it is not because you are lazy. It is because your body has been in survival mode for too long.
At Serenity Counselling in Port Coquitlam, we support high-achieving women, especially BIPOC women, who are ready to break free from anxiety, perfectionism, and people-pleasing. Through EMDR, DBT, and body-based approaches, you can learn how to rest without guilt and reconnect with who you truly are.
You do not have to do this alone. If you are ready to take the next step toward healing, we would be honoured to walk with you.
Contact us Now. Ready to explore more? Book a free 20 minute consultation.
